Letting Go of Toxic People

No matter how good a friend someone is, there’s always a possibility that you gotta let them go because they’re toxic in one way or another. I’m not saying you gotta stop being friends with someone because their opinion clashes with yours… well… not entirely anyway. I guess it would help if I pointed out what exactly does toxic really look like:

1. They seem to bring you down with their negativity

This isn’t just an instance of they’re sad one day, so you’re sad. This is a constant/consistent thing. Basically, they love to go on about how their life is shit, or their work is shit, and that everyone is shit, and they hate their everything.

When you try to point out the bright side or put a spin of positivity on things, they drag you down AGAIN. You really don’t need that negativity in your life.

2. They lie… alot, or have many different faces

Here’s the thing: if it’s a small white lie then I could probably let it go, but consistently lying is just terrible trait for anyone to have. It’s not even just lying about what they done during the weekend or how many people they’ve slept with. It can also be lies in many forms as well, here’s a few examples:

• They lie to only agree with you - bit like a yes man
• They contradict themselves or their virtues - this is a bit more nuanced because everyone is able to change their opinion etc, but something that someone lives and breathes should generally never change. Example: Being a very devout Christian, but cheating on your wife because that’s what God would have wanted. This could also be classed as cognitive dissonance.
  • Sidenote: people who say “do as I say, not as I do”, run away from them as well.
• They are never true to themselves - this one is similar to the top one but slightly different. Have you ever had that friend who’s awesome to hang around with, but as soon as their boyfriend/girlfriend/other friend(s) come around - they’re a completely different person with different personality etc. I’ve come across far too many of these people, and they’re absolute assholes.
  
  

The worst thing as well, they try to justify or defend their lie after being caught out. Seriously… why keep pretending the lie happened?

3. You starting spotting some rather strange things in their messages, the way they talk or etc.

Now this one can take several goes at before you actually spot the signs. I knew a friend was turning incel the moment I spotted some of these messages, but because they were my friend, you sometimes need a complete outside perspective before you can come to that conclusion. As ever, my guiding star and my one person to give me very fresh perspective: I asked my wife if I was imagining things. She read the messages and said it’s actually much worse than anticipated.

See this person wasn’t just negative, they were turning completely incel. They were blaming women mostly for their failed relationships rather than taking a look at whether they were in the wrong or not? This is just one example, but there are instances of things like whenever people are “subtly” racist or homophobic. Either way, this one is harder to spot but it’s something that you need to be aware of.

4. The are narcissistic

Narcissistic and gaslighting go hand in hand. If you ever hear/spot these, just run away in the other direction:

• They like to make you feel like you’re a failure/embarrassment. i.e. “Stop doing that, you’re embarrassing yourself and everyone is laughing at you right now”
• They seem to put all the focus squarely on themselves. It’s never really “how are you”, more like “I’ve had a very hard day, pay attention to me”
• They never seem to blame themselves, everyone else is always the problem
• They tend to lie to avoid responsibility of things
  
  

Narcissism can paint the picture of grandeur but there’s a fine line between this and bragging. You’ll definitely know the difference when you hear it - One sounds like “I earn a decent salary” and the other one sounds like “I earn way more money than you’ll ever earn”.

5. They disagree with a big part/belief of yours

This one is tricky. As I stated at the start of the post, you don’t stop being friends with someone just because they dislike Apple, and you’re rocking Apple everything. I guess if it caused massive arguments everytime, then yes it’s worth letting that relationship go.

I’m talking about bigger things. I’ve stopped being friends with people before who believed being gay was disgusting. LBGTQ+ people deserve to be treated equally, and I’m not going to be friends with homophobic/transphobic people. Life is way too short for that type of hatred.

6. Rigid and stagnant mindset

Sometimes you call them rednecks, sometimes you call them stubborn. There’s a varying degree of this that you would accept, but sometimes there’s way too stubborn.

Now to distinguish this one, I’m not saying that if someone stuck to their morals: that means they’re incredibly stubborn. It’s more like when someone is literally unwilling to understand that they are the problem, and unwilling to change.

Maya Angelou once said, don’t like something: change it, can’t change it: change your attitude. What happens if the person doesn’t apply any of that? Well it’s safe to say that they will not likely improve themselves and keep blaming others for their failings or mistakes. I’ve tried helping people before with this mindset. It was a gentle nudge to actually empower them and say they got this - but every answer was:

• NO
• FUCK THIS
• I CAN’T BE ARSED

They don’t have to take my advice, but I also don’t have to take their stagnant mindset. Hence why this one is incredibly important. Don’t let people with shitty stagnant mindsets live in your head, because they will drag you down with them. They’re not the type of people to ever grow up or take responsibility for their life.

Take Home

Whether it’s a long time friend or a person you just met, always remember that no one should have that much hold over your mental capacity. Free yourself, harvest better connections/networks/friends, and ditch the vampires. In the end, you’ll thank yourself for having a much more quality range of acquaintances/friends than quantity of people. Remember, you want to have friends that are a mini cheerleader and that make you happy. If you notice you’re getting angrier or sad because of someone, it’s time to let go.